Lately I have been ‘too busy’ to blog…as I have been feeling for many things in my life. Always running, wheels spinning…but never accomplishing, never satisfied with my performance in every aspect in my life (mother, keeper of my home, wife, nurse, roles at church…etc,etc). It’s a defeating feeling. My brain feels scattered, and my life a circus. Never slowing, always something.
My blog is beyond behind. Not that anyone else cares. But I care. Only because the sole purpose I blog..is so that I have a record..a journal… for my children. So that they will have something to read someday from their mother. Journaling the events..big and small..and the moments that I want to remember always. Unfortunately, I am so behind…many moments..fun (I would like to remember moments) didn’t get written down. And with my brain in a fog right now…I have a hard time remembering things. Tonight..I just needed to write…to vent…to unbottle everything I have been feeling. So for now..this post I need to write. Soon to come {hopefully}…a very large recap of the last 4 moths (for my own journaling purposes).
What I really wanted to write tonight is this…
In what started out as a hunt through Google Images to find ideas for crafting ‘seaweed’ for an embellishment to the plate for Kate’s 'school of fish' cupcake-cake for her party at the aquarium…..I stumbled upon a blog that I needed to find. One post lead to the next..to the next..which ended in a moment that has been long overdue.
A moment that left me
vulnerable
crying
and
on my knees in prayer.
Lately, I have found myself hating the mother I have become. The too busy for imagination and fun, full of harsh tones and words , impatient, easily irritated, cold. I don’t know how I got here. But I don’t want to stay here.
I want my children to know me as warmth, gentleness, sweetness….oozing with honest (not sappy or overdone) sweetness, and LOVE
un-abounding and never-wavering love.
That is what I want my children to feel in the core of their being when they think of their mother.
I know I have failed my children and myself in this lately.
I am sorry my sweet loves. You are my joy, my laughter, my life, my world. I love you with every fiber of my being. I am sorry I have forgotten to show you that lately.
I pray that I slow down, enjoy your screams of pure innocent joy and laughter, take time to imagine and play, experience the world with you. And make you feel cherished, important, listened too and special.
I love you always.
When I said I stumbled upon this blog. I don’t mean stumbled. I didn’t stumble….it was a nudge from above to read these exact words at this exact time. Thank you Lord for knowing what I needed.
The posts that fed my soul
Sweet and Slow http://jeremiahsniece.blogspot.com/search/label/marriage
Be Sweet http://jeremiahsniece.blogspot.com/search/label/marriage
But especially this one…..
Prayer for my sons thoughts and words http://jeremiahsniece.blogspot.com/search/label/prayer (although this was more a prayer for me).
2 comments:
Thank you for being so REAL and transparent in this post. I have had the exact same feelings lately and I could really connect with what you are feeling. Thanks for posting this blog and being vulnerable and humble. God is showing you great things and is working through you abundantly. He touched me through your honesty. Let's keep striving to be the mothers that He calls us to be!!! I love you friend!
Erika, I had to google you to find you on Pinterest (I swear I'm not just out stalking you) and I came across your blog. Girl, you are incredible. Not only are you the most creative and crafty person I know, you can write too! Of COURSE!!! Is there anything you can't do? You are truly gifted. And I don't just throw that word around for the fun of it. The more I get to know you, the more I'm amazed by you. Keep up the blogging. Life is busy and hectic and it's hard to find time to breathe let alone blog, but you have the sweetest way with words and people need to hear it. Or read it. You know what I mean: )
I absolutely adore you and you're adorable girls.
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